I know that there are some people that actually read and find my blog important, I know who you are, I don't need comments to tell me how valuable a contribution to the mental health/illness world I am. Lately it seems more of a narcissistic thing to me. I mean, as far as I know, the majority of people in the MI world do not read my blog, which I started with grand delusions of making a difference to a large amount of people all over the world (see Definition 1.1 below).
As defined the the Oxford Dictionary:
1. Excessive interest in or admiration of oneself and one’s physical appearance.
1.1 Psychology Extreme selfishness, with a grandiose view of one’s own talents and a craving for admiration, as characterizing a personality type.
1.2 Psychoanalysis Self-centredness arising from failure to distinguish the self from external objects, either in very young babies or as a feature of mental disorder.
Am I wasting my time, your time? Should I just be journaling instead of thinking that the world is interested in my brain vomit? (rhetorical questions, no answers necessary). There are many blog posts and psychiatric articles about this subject, but the one I like best is "Blogging is Narcissistic (Except When It’s Not)" by Tom McFarlin.
"Ultimately, my point is that for those of you who are blogging to keep at it and keep sharing. The majority of us love to see what it is that you’re working on, and we love to get into the conversation when possible.
Others state that in a non-clinical way (as opposed to NPD) bloggers may be narcissistic, but we may also truly believe we make a difference to at least one person. I know from comments on and off my blog, that I do affect at least four people. My stats tell me many more read my posts, but just don't comment. I wish I could climb into their brains and know what they're thinking...this is bullshit, wow I can really relate to this, or I never thought of it that way.But know that blogging can be as narcissistic as you make it. Don’t listen to whatever anyone else is saying. Write on – whatever it’s about – as we, or someone, do want to hear what you have to share."
I used to feel bad if I didn't blog on a regular basis about interesting facts about bipolar disorder, mental health, or domestic violence. One of those feelings I put on myself, I have many of those shouldisms left over from my past life as a controlled zombie.
For now I think I'll simply accept the fact that I do matter to some, but allow myself to continue being sporadic and random. One will either read it or won't, I cannot control that. I can, however, control how I feel about it. Perhaps I'll go back to believing what I say matters, but it doesn't matter how often I say it.
Normally, I'd say "I welcome your comments," but in this case I will reiterate that I don't need confirmation of my importance from those of you that I know read my blog. It embarrasses me, and that's not the purpose of this post.